2005-10-28 - 6:00 p.m.
There is Evil Among Us
I need your help. My co-workers need your help. My company needs your help.... damnit! America herself needs your help.... read on:
Today at work the rumor mill was working overtime. Apparently there have been some "disturbing" discoveries in the women's bathroom. On TWO separate occasions this week one of my co-workers discoverd a lone, solitary poo resting on the floor, a few feet from one of the bathroom toilets. That's right, a shit. A shit that had somehow escaped a person's ass and managed to find it's way onto the floor, somehow magically skipping the toilet.
Now, in your world this may be perfectly ordinary, but trust me my friends, in my world, this is totally awesome... I mean weird.
Were this to occur in the men's bathroom, I would write ot off as some juvenile prank... a juvenile prank that I should have thought of. However, considering the intimacy of our office suite, it's hard to imagine that a male could slip into the women's bathroom and leave his stinking pile - twice, without getting caught.
So, I must assume our perpetrator is... shudder... a female. Using the legal precedent of "whomever smelt it hath delt it," I at first suspected the discoverer, but upon further investigation have ruled her out (for now).
Now, a male doing this is odd, but I could concieve of it without too much trouble. A female, however, with this kind of poosive-aggressive behaviour.... well that's just crazy fucked up. In fact, I would say that it borders on the psychotic. For a woman to come up with, concieve and execute a plan of this nature reveals a lot about the inner anger and frustration that must be swirling around in her dirty, dirty mind.
Now, I am less interested in reaping sweet justice than I am in delving into the fecal-stained inner motivation of such a person. We have several women in the office, and up until today I would never have suspected any.... but now I eye everyone with suspicion.
I am launching my own personal investigation and I vow to discover the identity of this.... "poo bandit."
I have devised a plan to out the vandal, but it's far from foolproof.
So, henceforth, I ask the web community to offer suggestions for a solution to the following problem:
How do I discreetly discover the identity of the poo bandit WITHOUT putting me or my company at risk of a harassment lawsuit? We considered all the standards like cameras and such, but there's too many issues with filming women pooing (damn lawyers!).
So, help me. I need your collective genius to catch this villian brown-handed...
(well, we don't need to catch her in the act, we just want to know who she is.... after that I'm sure I can get her to crack under interogation).
Time is of the essence, for we fear that the success of her preliminary acts will goad her into escalating her vile plans. I fear for leftovers in the refrigerator, for the paper drawer of the copier, for the door handles of our cars, for.... for all humanity if this villian is not exposed forthwith!
Send me an email if you can help
